Fancharacters Not Included
by Quietus
Summary: When Zim is sucked into FF.net's site, he is pulled into a pit of madness. With slash, horror, and romance on the loose, will Zim ever make it out alive?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, Johnen Vasquez does, Nickelodeon deserves to go to hell!  
  
A/N: Well, I actually got off of my lazy ass to write a story! Hurray for me. Okay, I have nothing against any fancharacters out there, but some of them just plain stink! Not all, just some.  
  
Summary: Zim and Gir are sucked into the world of fanfiction. Thus we get slash, horror, romance, insanity and of course, a bit of DOOM!  
  
Fancharacters Not Included  
  
(Scene opens to inside Zim's lair thingy)  
  
Zim: Yes! I finally have a plan to get rid of that filthy stink beast Dib! I am INGENIUS!  
  
Gir: OOOOOOOOHHH!  
  
Zim: Come, Gir. We will hack into Dib's computer and FRY IT FROM THE INSIDE! (Insert evil laughter here)  
  
Gir: Yay! I like hacking! (Stares at the wall for a second) What are we doing again?  
  
Zim: Never mind, put this helmet on.  
  
Gir: What about piggy?  
  
Zim: Forget the pig Gir!  
  
Gir: PIGGY! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!  
  
Zim: Fine fine fine! Keep the pig, let's just get going! TO THE INTERNET!  
  
(Zim and Gir are on these little surfboards)  
  
Gir: WHOHOO! I'm a flying monkey!  
  
(Zim is trying desperately not to fall off)  
  
(Zim sees a sign that says: tO fANfictioN.nET)  
  
Zim: Let's go through here! Follow me Gir!  
  
(Go through this weird portal thingy)  
  
(Zim and Gir fall off their surfboards and onto the ground. It's raining, and they see a bridge up ahead)  
  
Zim: OW! OW! O- Wait, I don't feel anything!  
  
(Zim also notices that he is TALL)  
  
Zim: What is going on here?  
  
Gir: I have NO idea!  
  
(Zim sees a figure sitting on a bridge)  
  
Zim: Who? Are we still in the Internet?  
  
(Zim sees a sign in red letters in the sky that say's: SLASH)  
  
Zim: Slash? What is this slash?  
  
(Zim walks over to the bridge and is shocked)  
  
Gir: It's the Dib human!  
  
Zim: What are YOU doing here?  
  
(Dib looks sad)  
  
Dib: Zim! I thought you'd never talk to me again! (Hugs Zim)  
  
(Zim is so shocked that for a second he can't speak)  
  
Zim: Get OFF me!  
  
Dib: But Zim!  
  
Zim: Is wiping himself off) Filthy HUMAN germs! I'm NEVER gonna get that SMELL off of me! Argh!  
  
Dib: (leans into kiss Zim)  
  
(Then, suddenly, Zim feels like someone shot him. He feels dizzy, and his feet lift off the floor)  
  
Gir: WEE! I'm a flying monkey again!  
  
(Zim and Gir whirl around for a minute, then land onto the pavement. Zim is confused and still grossed out by what was GONNA happen)  
  
Zim: (is gagging)  
  
(Gaz walks up to him)  
  
Gaz: H-Hiya Zim!  
  
Zim: YOU! What on Irk have I done to deserve this?  
  
(Zim sees in the sky a flashing purple sign that says: ROMANCE)  
  
Zim: Oh NO!  
  
Gir: It's the spooky girl who haunts my nightmares!  
  
Zim: Where's that DISGUSTING stink beast sibling of yours?  
  
Gaz: (looks nervous) Why do you ask, Zim?  
  
Zim: So I can find him and turn him into human banana mush!  
  
Gaz: Zim!  
  
(Gaz hugs Zim)  
  
Zim: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HUGGING?  
  
(Pushes Gaz off)  
  
Zim: NO! Stay away!  
  
Gaz: Zim! Come back!  
  
(Zim trips and lands on the ground. When he sits up, he sees Dib with his arms crossed, looking at him mean.)  
  
Dib: Gaz! Stay away from this alien SCUM!  
  
Gaz: No! It's time we tell you the truth, brother! I'm in love with Zim!  
  
(Dib looks extremely shocked, and his mouth hangs open)  
  
(That's when the very shocked Zim feel's that feeling like someone just shot him)  
  
Zim: Oh great! What NOW?  
  
(Gir and Zim are lifted into the air once again, then thrown into a large, looming house that has green light coming from it. Zim sees a sign that says: HORROR)  
  
Zim: Oh GREAT! First human love crap, now THIS!  
  
(A shadow is on the wall. Zim turns around, and he is suddenly VERY scared. He nearly screams when he sees someone's lifeless body on the ground, which looks A LOT like Dib's)  
  
(Zim shudders)  
  
Gir: (eyes are red) Master, there is danger approximately 10 feet due east from you.  
  
(Zim starts to run. He hears loud footsteps behind him and heavy breathing)  
  
(He trips)  
  
Zim: NOOOOOO!  
  
(A second before his face hit's the ground, he feels that shot feeling again)  
  
Zim: THANK THE TALLEST!  
  
(This time, instead of landing on the ground, Zim and Gir are back on there surfboards. They pass a sign that says: wE hoPE yoU enjOyeD yOur StAy aT FF.nEt)  
  
Zim: Yes! We're finally out of that weird place. Hey, what the?  
  
(He see's a warning sign: WARNING! FANCHARACTER DANGER! DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET PULLED TO PIECES BY SCREAMING FANGIRLS! CHEESE.)  
  
Zim: Zim is not afraid of these fancharacters!  
  
Gir: Yes, obey the cheese. Love the cheese. EAT THE CHEESE! (Goes stupid again) Piggy's!  
  
A/N: What will happen? Will Zim survive. That is up to me! (: (insert evil laughter here) Review, thankies! 


	2. Chicken, Doom, and Legolas to!

Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, but I do own Mambo the Amazing Flying Rat!  
  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! (: I usually don't get that much for a first chapter. You wanna know something? The idea for this story actually came to me while I was, ahem, going to the bathroom. I am strange. Ha!  
  
Summary: Zim and Gir enter Fancharacter Central, where there's danger lurking around every corner, every building, every, bathroom? With angst, humor, fancharacters, and Lord of the Rings in store, how can we not have a very doomy time?  
  
Fancharacters Not Included  
  
(Scene on Zim and Gir)  
  
Gir: Piggy has gas!  
  
Zim: Where the heck are we?  
  
(Zim see's a sign that says: Fancharacter Central)  
  
(Little do Zim, Gir, and Piggy know, they are being followed. Followed, in fact, by a cloaked figure with a limp)  
  
CloakedFigureWithaLimp: Now! My plan will go into action! (insert evil laugh with a cough at the end here)  
  
Gir: Oooh, chicken legs! (points to a restaurant that says Crazy Chicken Legs)  
  
CFWaL: Can I have two chicken legs, please!  
  
Greasy Teenager: That will be 5. 50.  
  
CFWaL: But I only have 5.49!  
  
GT: 5.50 or nothing pal.  
  
CFWaL: Grrr!  
  
(Meanwhile, Gir is watching the whole scenario)  
  
Gir: Master, Chicken!  
  
Zim: What, Gir?  
  
Gir: I NEED chicken! If I don't get some, my little piggy will go insane.  
  
Zim: No it won't  
  
Gir: CHICKEN! I NEED YOU!  
  
(Back to the cloaked figure)  
  
CFWaL: Hey look! It's Halle Berry!  
  
GT: What? Where?  
  
(The cloaked figure takes the chicken from the stupid teenager)  
  
CFWaL: Oh, must have been a rabbit or something. Gotta go!  
  
GT: Hey, wait a sec.  
  
(The cloaked figure is cackling madly and runs into Gir, who is looking at the chicken and drooling, if that is possible for him)  
  
CFWaL: Huh?  
  
Gir: Chicken! Must have it!  
  
(Zim see's a sign that says: HUMOR and realizes that they better get out of there quick)  
  
Zim: C'mon Gir! We have to go! What's that?  
  
(He feels the ground shake)  
  
Zim: Uh oh.  
  
(A LOT of fancharacter girls are running towards him)  
  
Zim: Agh!  
  
FanCharacters: (insert screaming here)  
  
Zim: NOOO! (Covers him eyes, expecting to get ripped to shreds)  
  
(But, surprisingly, the fangirls run straight PAST him, towards GIR)  
  
Gir: (Is pulling the chicken away from the cloaked figure) GIVE ME DA CHICKEN!  
  
CFWaL: NO WAY! WHAT THE?  
  
Fancharacters: (screaming) GIR! WE LOVE YOU!  
  
Gir: You DO?  
  
(Right before the girls trample Gir to pieces, he and Zim shift categories again. After being whipped up for the fifth time, Zim is getting really annoyed. As he whips away, he hears one of the fangirls scream: "I got Piggy!" and then Gir wailing, right before he gets knocked unconscious)  
  
(Two hours later, Zim wakes up to himself underneath a sign that says: FANTASY. A couple of feet away, he see's the cloaked figure and Gir, the chicken clutched in his hand. Both are still unconscious. Zim hears voices.)  
  
Voice Number One: Where do you think they came from?  
  
Voice Number Two: They don't look like hobbits.  
  
Voice Number Three: Maybe they're elves?  
  
Voice Number One: Yeah, they sure do. And you know what? I think I'm turning into a dwarf. Look! I'm as short as Gimely!  
  
Voice Number Four: Watch it!  
  
(They all laugh)  
  
Zim: This can't be right, people with English accents! It's just DOOMY!  
  
Gir: CHICKEN!  
  
Voice Number One: Hey, I think they woke up!  
  
CFWaL: What the hell? It's Legolas! Played by Orlando Bloom!  
  
Gir: Ooh! Look at those sharp pointy objects!  
  
Legolas: They're quite pointy, aren't they?  
  
(The sign above Zim's head shifts to ANGST so fast he doesn't realize it till he feels that shot feeling)  
  
CFWaL: NO! I MUST STAY HERE WITH LEGOLAS!  
  
Legolas: (Is trying to get the figure off of him)  
  
Gir: BYE BYE!  
  
(All three are suddenly in a graveyard)  
  
CFWaL: Let me guess, one of us is dead, and someone's mourning. How boring.  
  
Zim: Why are you here anyway?  
  
CFWaL: I have absolutely NO clue.  
  
Gir: I am CONFUSED!  
  
A/N: Not as good as the last chapter, I think. Please review! Thankies! (: 


	3. Aliens Invading! Ooh, cake!

Disclaimer: Why? Why do I have to write the stinkin' disclaimer? Y'all know I don't own Invader Zim!  
  
A/N: I think I will continue this ficcy (What? Quietus actually continued a fic? That's just wrong) Why, you ask? Well, I had a sudden burst of 'writing juice', otherwise known as an IDEA! Enjoy, ya doomy people ^_~  
  
Zim: TELL ME WHO YOU ARE! NOW!  
  
CFWaL: Okay, fine. I am CAL, bringer of DOOM!  
  
Zim: No you're not.  
  
CFWaL: (breaks down and cries) OKAY I'M NOT! I'M JUST A DERANGED THIRTEEN YEAR OLD WANNA BE GOTHIC, BUT DON'T WANNA BE A PUNK FAN! IT'S ALL-TRUE! ALL OF IT!  
  
Gir: Once on TV, I was watching 'Famous Psycho Criminals', and they acted just like you!  
  
Zim: Okay.  
  
CFWaL: So.  
  
Gir: OOH! LOOK AT THAT SHINY THINGY!  
  
(A giant silver piggy comes down and beams all three up)  
  
Gir: OOH! LET ME GUESS! THIS IS A FUTURE THINGY! I READ ABOUT THIS ONCE!  
  
(Once on board)  
  
Alien: Oh yeah, but what about these planets? Can we blow those up?  
  
Alien #2: No, not that planet, it's the one with the magical singing flowers.  
  
Alien #3: Ooh, how about that one  
  
Alien #4: Who are they?  
  
Zim: Um, I AM ZIM! AND I RULE YOU ALL!  
  
CFWaL: Shut up  
  
Alien #3: Ooh, I know! Let's blow up this planet! (Points on a large map)  
  
Alien #1: By my calculations that should be right.. Here! Points onto the floor.  
  
CFWaL: The future sucks! Why can't we go to romance or something?  
  
Zim: Trust my doomy brains, you do NOT want to see the romance.  
  
CFWaL: Oh.OH! Heehee.  
  
Alien #2: Hello? We have guests! Stop talking about the planets and get them!  
  
Alien # 4: Hello earthlings! We are aliens, and we came here to blow up your planet! Bu-bye now, we're very busy you know!  
  
Zim: Hey, wait a second!  
  
Alien #1: So much time and so little to do, so go! Go go!  
  
(Zim, CFWaL, and Gir stand there)  
  
Alien #4: You refuse to listen? Then we will fight! Bring out the FRIED CHICKEN!  
  
Gir: Ooh, I like chicken!  
  
A/N: Thankies for reading me fic ^__^ I will have up more soon! 


	4. Confusion and more chicken!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zim or KFC, hehe.  
  
A/N: FINALLY updated this ^-^. Now more CHICKENY!  
  
Gir: Ooh, I like chicken!  
  
Alien #3: (looks around) Um, we're outta fried chicken.  
  
Alien #1: No way.  
  
Alien #2: We should stop by Kentucky Fried Chicken!  
  
Alien #4: Okay. Anybody got any money?  
  
CFWaL: I have three dollars.  
  
Alien #2: GIMME!  
  
CFWaL: You have to promise to pay me back.  
  
Alien#3: Yea, yea, whatever. Hand over the green!  
  
CFWaL: (hands over money)  
  
Alien #4: To KFC!  
  
Zim: The future is expensive.  
  
(At KFC)  
  
Alien #1: (talking to guy) Ah, I'd like, um, no no, wait. Oh yeah, I want, ah, no no.  
  
Alien #2: (whispers) Here's a hint: get chicken!  
  
Alien #1: Oh yeah, I want chicken!  
  
Guy at Window: That will be three dollars and twenty-five cents.  
  
Alien #4: Gasp! We don't have a quarter!  
  
CFWaL: (sitting in corner of ship) I'm not loaded, you know!  
  
Alien #3: (takes out gun)(shoots guy at window) That solves all problems!  
  
Alien #1: Idiot, now who's gonna make the chicken? You expect one of US to do it?  
  
Zim: (whispering to CFWaL) Now we should RUN!  
  
Gir: Why?  
  
Zim: Why do you think they were looking for chicken in the first place?  
  
CFWaL: Duh, to eat it!  
  
Zim: NO! They were going to destroy US!  
  
Gir: Awww, what a waste of GREASE!  
  
Zim: Now let's get out of here!  
  
CFWaL: How?  
  
(Meanwhile)  
  
Alien #1: Maybe we could BUY AN OVEN!  
  
Alien #4: INGENIOUS!  
  
Alien #3: How are we gonna gets that money?  
  
Alien: #2: Why, the Money planet of course! Or we could just steal from that cloaked figure again! We all KNOW she's loaded with money! (turns around)(Zim, Gir, and CFWaL are gone)  
  
Alien #2: Or we could just go to the Money Planet.  
  
All: TO THE MONEY PLANET!  
  
(Meanwhile)  
  
Zim: (while in the middle of a dessert) Where are we gonna go? There's no more categorize!  
  
CFWaL: Unless!  
  
Zim: What?  
  
CFWaL: There is ONE category.  
  
Zim: What?  
  
CFWaL: SPIRITUAL!  
  
Gir: Awww, that category sounds boring!  
  
Zim: Where in a dessert? What's spiritual about that?  
  
CFWaL: Unless it's something else!  
  
Zim: WHAT?  
  
CFWaL: Tragedy.  
  
Zim: That doesn't sound to bad.  
  
CFWaL: ONE OF US MAY POSSIBLE DIE! I can't die; I have to write STORIES! I'M DOOMED! DOOMED!  
  
Zim: SO AM I! I'LL NEVER CONQUER EARTH!  
  
Gir: I'LL NEVER SEE THE NEW EPISODE WITH THA SCARY MONKEY! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?  
  
(All are crying, thinking about how they'll never do this and that)  
  
CFWaL: WHYYYYYY (disappears)  
  
Zim: (shocked) I'm glad it wasn't ME!  
  
Gir: YAY! I mean, AWWW! I mean, YEAWWW!  
  
Zim: Now what?  
  
(A giant voice suddenly appears)  
  
Voice: YOU! Alien and robot! Come HERE!  
  
Zim: Where?  
  
V: HERE!  
  
Zim: WHERE?  
  
V: Two steps forward then two steps back.  
  
Zim: Then I'll be in the same place!  
  
V: JUST DO IT!  
  
Zim: (takes two steps forward and back) Well?  
  
V: Well well, now I have you Zim! And I can do whatever I want with you now!  
  
Gir: Dib human!  
  
Zim: DIB!  
  
V: Yes, Zim, ever since you put on that helmet to hack into my computer, I've been watching you, waiting for the perfect chance to hack into YOUR computer, and ruin your ingenious plan!  
  
Zim: (blinks)  
  
V: I've put you inside a site called FF.net! You were acting out different stories from different fics!  
  
Zim: What about CFWaL?  
  
V: Who?  
  
(Different voice appears)  
  
Different Voice: ME!  
  
Gir: CFWaL?  
  
DV: Yes, it's me! Now I have ALL of you in my grasp!  
  
All: Huh?  
  
DV: You're in MY fanfic! I can do WHATEVER I want to you!  
  
V: Hey, no, they're in MY fanfic!  
  
DV: No, they're in YOUR fanfic in MY fanfic!  
  
V: That. That doesn't make any sense!  
  
DV: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO!  
  
A/N: What will happen to our heroes? Will they escape their inevitable doom? Maybe, maybe not. You'll have to wait for the NEXT CHAPTER! 


	5. Awww, a Wedding! almost!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zim!  
  
A/N: Yay! I updated! Did you know there's gonna be a Zim DVD? In spring! YAY!!!  
  
DV: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO!  
  
Zim: Well?  
  
DV: I'm thinking, hold on! Oooh, I know!  
  
(The sound of typing is everywhere)  
  
(Dib appears)  
  
Dib: Hey! How'd I get here?  
  
(More typing)  
  
(A girl appears)  
  
Girl: OH ZIM! I LOOOVVVVVEEEEEEEEE YOU!  
  
Zim: NO!  
  
Girl: COME HERE SWEEEEETIIIEEEE!  
  
Dib: (laughing)  
  
DV: HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Zim: Shut up!  
  
Girl: (hugs Zim)  
  
Zim: NOOOOO! NOOOOO! EWWW!  
  
(Tak appears out of nowhere)  
  
Tak: COME HERE DIIIIBBBBB!  
  
Dib: What?  
  
Tak: AWWWWWW, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!  
  
Dib: What's going on?  
  
Tak: WE'RE GETTING MARRRRRIEEED!  
  
Dib: (stares)  
  
Gir: Awww, I like weddings! I also like chocolate!  
  
Zim: DIB HUMAN! HELP ME!  
  
Dib: I would but I'm kindda BUSY!  
  
(Wedding music appears out of nowhere)  
  
DV: Awwww, a WEDDING! Hmm, let's dress up!  
  
(Zim and Dib are in suits, Tak and the other Girl person are in perfectly horrible dresses)  
  
Zim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO (breathes) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(Suddenly, the giant silver piggy ship comes out of nowhere)  
  
Alien #4: THERE you are! We still need someone to cook the chicken!  
  
Alien #2: Get up here! (Beams Zim, Dib, and Gir up, leaving Tak and the other person crying)  
  
DV: Hey! Hey, you're not in my fic! Get the hell out!  
  
Alien #1: No, we need CHICKEN!  
  
Alien #3: Yes, chicken!  
  
Alien #2: Now, we are off! (Flies away)  
  
Zim: Whew, thanks for the lift.  
  
Alien #2: Sure BUDDY.  
  
(All aliens crowd around them) (All turn into the cloaked figure with a limp)  
  
CFWaL: I'M BAAAAAACKKKKK! You can't get away now!  
  
Gir: Uh oh!  
  
(All CFWaL's take's out a knife)  
  
Dib: YOU WOULDN'T KILL US!  
  
(Gaz appears)  
  
Gaz: No, but I will. Get out of your stupid game, Dib!  
  
(Everything melts and turns into Dib's house)  
  
Gaz: You better buy me some pizza, Dib, or I'll tell Dad you were looking at some magazines.  
  
Dib: Magazines?  
  
Gaz: You know what I mean.  
  
Dib: What? WHAT!  
  
Zim: Come, Gir. We have work to do! Have fun with Gaz, Dib (snickers)(walks out the front door)  
  
Gir: I think that I have learned a lesson, master!  
  
Zim: Hm?  
  
Gir: People at FanFiction.net have sick, sick minds!  
  
Zim: Yes, yes they do.  
  
A/N: The End! Was it to rushed? Sorry if it was ^-^ Merry Doomed Christmas! 


End file.
